


the way you shine is killing me (we two cannot be one)

by routewitch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5.16 - Dark Side of the Moon, Episode Tag, M/M, Podfic Welcome, Quadruple Drabble, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, Wincest - Freeform, Winchesterland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-13
Updated: 2010-04-13
Packaged: 2017-10-08 22:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/80130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/routewitch/pseuds/routewitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post 5.16 - Dark Side of the Moon. Sam's heaven isn't quite what Dean thinks it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the way you shine is killing me (we two cannot be one)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the lyrics "My Heaven Is Your Hell" by Lordi.

_Your heaven is my hell._  The words echo through his mind—a cry without sound, an accusation from which there will be no escape.  Guilt, sorrow, and bone-deep longing press down upon him each time he looks at his brother.  That’s nothing new.  When he reaches into his pocket to grasp at the abandoned amulet, the metal is cool to the touch.  Cool like Dean’s eyes—and that.  That’s new.

Dean doesn’t understand what happened in heaven.  Torn up as he is, the idea that he might have only been allowed to see what Sam _allowed_ him to see never once crosses his mind.  So what if Sam’s supposed happiest memories are relatively impersonal and colorless?  That _has_ to be because Sam always wanted to escape their fucked-up family (and Dean, _especially_ Dean) and enjoy a mundane existence.  It’s not like Sam could _possibly_ have enough control of their path through Winchesterland to hide anything.  Surely not!

Part of Sam hates how the lie hurts his brother (he’s always hurting Dean these days), but mostly he’s just grateful he’s able to keep the ugly truth to himself a while longer.  God willing, Dean will never see the sort of monster Sam has really become.

When Sam closes his eyes, moving pictures play behind his lids—dark imaginings of how Dean would have surely reacted to learning of his precious baby brother’s deviancy.  Drinking demon blood has nothing on this…  This thing.  That which would become undeniable should Dean ever see himself through Sam’s eyes—see the way Sam loves him in ways no man should love his brother.  Had they stumbled into even one of his _special_ memories that would have been the end.

But.  But now Dean won’t so much as look at him.  The silence is deafening.  He’s more out of reach than ever—like he’s fading.  Sam doesn’t know what to do to prove that he _does_ want Dean in his life, _does_ need him more than anything (more than air), and _oh, please, don’t go where he can’t follow_.

Once upon a time, when he was small, he would have been able to slip his hand into his brother’s and Dean would soften and that would be that.  No words or explanations needed.  He misses that simplicity.

_If we’re soulmates_, Sam wonders, _then why is everything so hard?_  If he loses Dean...  Then...

The amulet pulses in his hand.  So cold.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been an avid fan of Supernatural since the first episode aired, but this is the first time I've actually written anything in this fandom. I'm a little nervous!


End file.
